Measures of Success

If you think of someone as being “successful, ” what image comes to mind? How about “ambitious?” Most often it seems that the word “successful” is used to describe someone that has made lots of money. Ambitious is usually used to describe someone who would like to attain money and power. However, the definition of successful is: attaining a favorable or desired outcome (Merriam-Webster) and the definition of ambitious is: desire to achieve a particular end (Merriam-Webster). Okay, so those aren’t the first definitions. Successful is also be defined as attaining wealth, fame or power and ambition can also be described as the desire for wealth, fame or power. However, I think that the second definitions I listed must be because those are commonly sought after desires. I don’t like the terms used this way because when someone who has a prominent job and makes loads of money is described as “successful” my mind immediately jumps to another question. What is the rest of this person’s life like? I wonder, is the person kind and ethical? Has the person earned the money honestly? How are this person’s personal relationships? Any drinking or substance abuse problems? What exactly drives this person to want so much power and money? I believe many people make lots of money because they are bright, do what they enjoy and are good at it, which is wonderful. But I think just as many, and perhaps more, attain power and wealth because they are driven by greed and a need to impress and be better than others.

We live in a society that places so much value on “getting to the top.” It does not necessarily bother me that this one group is considered successful, but it does bother me that certain other groups of people are not. For example, let’s imagine there is a family with two sons. The first son, let’s call him Bob, is a lawyer. He was always very ambitious and knew that he wanted to have his own successful law firm one day. He got in to a great law school, worked 80 hours a week for many years to make partner. He drinks and smokes too much to deal with the stress. He is married and has children but doesn’t get to see them that much. Perhaps because of the distance he feels with his wife, he started an affair with a woman he works with. He feels a bit guilty and so buys expensive jewelry for his wife and expensive toys for his children. He owns two lavish homes and several luxury cars. The family vacations in fancy resorts all over the world. On top of it all, he doesn’t like his work though he is good at it, but he can’t see a way out of it as he is very attached to his lifestyle. The second son, David, studied marine biology in college. He decided he wanted to devote himself to try to protect marine life and the environment when he graduated. He found a job with a non-profit dedicated to protecting a bay near a coastal city. He also really wanted a family and didn’t want to have a job that would never allow him to see them. So, he works hard, but he works a 40-hour work week. He also has a wife and children. The family manages to spend time together and do things that they enjoy, such as hiking and camping. They live in a modest home and have one car, but they feel a connection to each other and to their work, and they feel happy with the choices they have made.

Maybe it would be a futile argument to figure out which son is successful, if both are, or if neither is. It may just depend on who is doing the judging, and so the answers would simply vary from person to person. As a mother though, I find myself thinking and discussing with other parents the desire for our children to be “successful.” Anyone would agree that that’s what we want for our children, but it’s amusing to think that we may not mean the same things at all when we say that. Personally, I admire the son, David, because he has taken into account all the things that are important to him, planned his life as best he could and has a balanced existence and healthy relationships. He is hard-working and ethical. His brother, Bob, is certainly hard-working too and is very good at what he does. However, his life isn’t that balanced, he doesn’t have time to take care of his health and his relationships are troubled. In my opinion, just making heaps of money doesn’t lead to what I would consider a successful life. Of course I know these are simplistic examples. There is no guarantee that David and his wife will remain connected and Bob could have found a mate who could handle his work schedule and remained connected to her. Bob will have no trouble paying college tuition and will have a comfortable retirement, and David may struggle. But, David seems like a more balanced, ethical and healthier person than his brother, Bob.

The term ambition is so often applied to someone who is determined to zoom up a corporate ladder. It’s usually said with admiration. But what’s at the top, other than money? Working long hours, dealing with politics and back-stabbing, a lot of stress, and often the company is just selling a thing that the rest of the world doesn’t really need anyway, but it tries to convince the world that it does. Like a drug to cure obesity or another cell phone. Would someone that wants to be a great third-grade teacher be considered ambitious? We all know we need more great third-grade teachers. How about someone that really wants to be a nurse? We need more nurses too. Not a lot of fame or riches will come with those jobs, but the people performing those jobs well provide an important and much-needed service to so many people and will touch countless lives in a positive way.

My personal goal is to question, when I hear the terms success and ambition applied to people whom I mainly find greedy, why the person using the terms finds the person described to be deserving of such a description. Somehow, when I hear the word successful in particular, I want it to have an almost wholistic application. A successful person, in my mind, is someone who is an entire successful package. Someone who has made a success of his or her life, taking all the different aspects of that life into account. Otherwise we could use the term in a specific way, such as a successful career or successful athletic acheivements. Maybe I will send my thoughts to Merriam-Webster.

What Is Up with Valentine’s Day?

It’s been a month or so now since I saw Al Gore’s documentary, An Incovenient Truth. I felt pretty down afterwards. I’ve been concerned about many of the topics covered in the documentary for a long time, but to see them all together in that format hit a big point home to me. I know that the way we live (Americans and other societies like ours) is not sustainable, but it really seems to me that we will see massive problems on a global scale within the next 50 years, and maybe much sooner, due to the pollution caused by our overconsumption of Earth’s resources.

Yesterday my son, Jasper, had a Valentine’s Day party in preschool. I sent him to school with a card for each of his classmates and his teachers. The cards were simple red hearts we cut out of construction paper, decorated with stickers, and signed by him. However, the cards he received were all store-bought with lots of candy attached–bags of Smarties and M&M’s and Hershey kisses. One child gave him a Valentine’s Day goody bag with a Superman doll, little heart cakes and several chocolates. I was blown away. My initial reaction is horror–why does it have to be so much? What’s wrong with a cute card? A piece of candy, times at least 15 kids, equals a BAG of candy. And the Superman doll–Jasper and his brother were thrilled with it, especially because it shot little arrow-like things out of its arms. But, it broke after half a day of play. And I do mean it broke–its legs split in two, its head snapped off, both arms fell off. We threw it away today. So, not only did he receive more candy at that party than I will allow him to eat in two months, but we also ended up with a bag of plastic-toy garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the thought and generosity. But I wonder, why is all this STUFF better than just a simple card? When I was a kid I remember being thrilled by just receiving cards from my friends, and I do remember some terrible-tasting heart-shaped candies that got passed around. When was it decided that a card is not enough? My next reaction, after the horror subsided, was that my idea to send my young son to school with simple, hand-made cards could cause a problem for him socially because the other kids expected candy with their cards. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions as he seemed happy enough to pass out these cards and he never asked me to include candy. I don’t think the kids really pay that much attention to who gave what (at least at this age). My son’s initial reaction to the candy and gifts was excitement, but he was very disappointed when the Superman broke right away and he just stuck the candy in a big pile. Except for a couple pieces of the chocolate I don’t think he cares about or remember the rest of it.

I struggle with how I will raise my kids to appreciate what they have and to learn how to work toward goals and earn the things they want with so much excess in our culture. Valentine’s Day is just one small example. It seems that with every holiday and birthday that comes along children are just flooded with gifts, treats and sweets. We recently attended a birthday party for one of his classmates at an indoor arcade and amusement park. Jasper was given a goody bag to take home that contained at least ten toys, games and trinkets in it. It’s just too much! It’s not HIS birthday. I think one little token or party favor is nice, but even that is not necessary.

Everywhere I go there are giant piles of food and too much packaging. Cars are enormous and heavy. My mother has commented that she knows many people who just get sick of their stuff and redo their homes with brand-new furniture, window treatments and decorations way before anything is worn out. She doesn’t remember it being that way when she was younger.

At times I think back on the year I spent studying in France. It was 1989-1990. I remember being shocked and impressed by some significant differences in day-to-day life there. If I went to a large supermarket there and did not bring bags with me, I had to pay for the bags for my groceries. I remember needing to ask for a napkin when buying food to eat, as they did not put hundreds in dispensers for easy reach. I met stylish women who really seemed to only own a few outfits, but wore them elegantly and confidently and always looked great. I am not sure if things are still that way there, or if they are becoming more Americanized, but there was a lot to be learned from their lack of excess. We just take everything for granted.

I wonder how shoemakers fare in our current economy? Do people get shoes re-soled and re-heeled any more? Is anything repaired any more? Is it even possible to repair things? Have you ever tried to buy replacement parts for an electronic device that is more than three years old?

I’d love to live by my deep-down core values. I’d love to buy little and buy quality and keep things forever. I’d love to not be tempted by clothing and housewares every time I walk in to a store. I’d love to say “no” to my children more often, and try to swim against the tide of excess and overconsumption. I will try. In the meantime, I will send my son to school with some homemade Valentine’s Day cards and remind him that the thought and care he put in to those cards is what is really important.

Gratitude

It’s been a little while since I’ve made a post. Hello out there to anyone who is reading!

Lately I’ve been thinking of how grateful I am for the good things in my life. It’s an exercise that I have tried to practice for many years, and as I get older I think it is coming more naturally. To have made it this far in my life and to have avoided major tragedies is a blessing in itself. The world is not a fair or easy place to live all the time for most people, so every perfectly normal day that we live through where nothing particularly remarkable happens is something to be thankful for. Even days that have setbacks, if they can be overcome, are all right. If I want a little more excitement than that I realize that it’s up to me to make that happen, and I’m okay with that.

Life is a sum of so many parts. There are big parts like relationships, health, career, and finances to little ones like whether or not our car starts in the morning and the weather. Obviously it’s important to try to maintain perspective and not worry to much about things that don’t really matter in the long run. I realize that if I waste time sweating the small stuff that I am missing out on the fact that the important things in my life are actually going really well. It is strange though how easy it is, when the important pieces in life are just fine, to worry about how or when it could all come to an end. Maybe it’s because, as my husband mentioned that other day, that we are at a very responsible point in our lives. To start, we have two small children who are completely dependent and because of that we are responsible for everything associated with them from health to education to teaching them good values and setting them up for success in the world.  We have a mortgage. We are trying to save for our kids’ college tuition and our own retirement. So, even though our day to day is good, there is always the weight of responsibility pressing down on us.

Sometimes, when I manage to not be too distracted by worry or fear or frustration that dinner won’t be ready on time, I actually live in the moment. I look at my amazing children and laugh at their goofy antics or marvel at their athletic feats or artistic creations. I savor the kisses and hugs I get from them. I feel thankful that I have such a wonderful, supportive husband and a nice house to live in. I take a deep breath and feel lucky to live in a nice town, that I can enjoy reading a good book, or take time to appreciate how fun it is to take a walk through a beautiful park. I try to make an effort to truly be thankful for the fact that the here and now IS good. I hope that the future will be good. I think that it’s important for me to be kind to the people around me to help make their here and now good too.

I try to do this because I know how fragile it all is. I try not to be too morbid but I know there are wars and natural disasters and diseases and freak accidents over which I have no control. No one knows what is in store for us tomorrow, or the day after. I can try to prepare for the future and do what I can to make it better. I can have dreams and goals for how I think things can be better for me down the road. But, I am trying to live in the present. Deferring happiness until this or that goal is met is a good way to never feel satisfied and to miss out on life itself. I am trying to start making an actual ritual of taking a regular time out, once a week, where I truly give thanks for everything in my life–the big things and the smaller things like the great joke I heard that made me laugh for three days or the neighbor that shoveled my walk for me after it snowed. I think one of the most important lessons I can impart on my children is the feeling of gratitude, because when you really realize what you have you can appreciate it, and then I think you can set better, more meaningful goals.