Boys

Every now and then I look, really look at my children and think to myself, “oh my god, I am the mother of two boys.” You’d think it would be obvious, but knowing the gender “it’s a boy/it’s a girl” is one thing and realizing that the two sexes are really really different is another. I think that before I had kids I really found merit in the nature vs. nurture debate and thought that boys and girls were equally attracted to all types of play and it was just us parents shoving dolls or trucks in their hands during infancy that determined how they turned out. I no longer think that. Males are just born very male. And, since I am married to a man, I am surrounded by the essence of maleness all the time. Oh sure, I can say that my husband loves flowers and doesn’t watch football, which is true. And I can talk about how Jasper is pretty calm and also likes flowers and has a gentle nature, which is also true. But, Hugo, Jasper’s little brother, is a rough and tumble guy, and he’s bringing that side out of Jasper. Or maybe Jasper is just developing that side as he’s getting older. Whatever the reason, I am learning that there are certain things that male people innately enjoy and do. Here is a list:

1. All male people enjoy head-butting. Just so you know, I didn’t know what head-butting was until I was about 28. My 2 1/2 year old discovered head-butting on his own by the time he was one. Just tonight, after I brushed his teeth, he head-butted the fish on the shower curtain. “Oh, dat’s a big one, I’m gonna head-butt it.”

2. All male people like things that shoot. Forget about toy guns making them violent, they all invent guns on their own without ever having seen one. Young male children toddle over to sticks, pick them up, and with a look of delight on their faces utter the word, “shooter” for the first time.

3. All male people like to wrestle.

4. All male people think farts are funny. This is really, really true. Are there any parents of girls out there that can tell me their daughters find farts funny? I just don’t get it. Sometimes I just have to leave the room.

5. All male people find construction sites interesting. This is just astounding to me. I made it my whole life barely acknowledging construction sites. Until recently I think the only machines I could name were: dump truck, steam roller, and steam shovel. Now I know them all, and in incredible detail. I know the difference between a mere backhoe and an excavator. I know the difference between an aerial bucket truck and a cherry picker. I know exactly what those crawler tracks do, and what kind of cranes are the tallest in the world–and if you’re the mother of boys, you will too.

6. All male people like to have the “right” answer. Ok, maybe this isn’t universal, but many years back my friend, Ros, told me about “male answer syndrome” which is a condition when men will give an authoritative explanation for something they know nothing about. It seems certain men suffer from this more than others, but I do suspect that Jasper has a pretty bad case.

It’s so strange for me. I have a brother, but he was a really cerebral, bookish kid and I don’t remember him running around tackling anyone. I always thought I’d have a little girl who would like to play with dolls and wear dresses and sing songs from Annie and the Wizard of Oz like I did. I have to say, I am hoping I’m up to the task of raising sons. I recently brought my five-year old son to a birthday party and all they did was shoot each other with mini water canons for two hours, except for a cake-eating break. They all loved it. Jasper raved about it afterwards, “that was SUCH a fun party, mommy!” Soon afterward he went to a friend’s house, a boy his age with an older brother. They played with his racetrack, shot at each other and I think played video games. We don’t have any of those kinds of toys in our house and I’m wondering if any of his male friends will want to play here. He starts kindergarten in the fall and I know we will have more boys here for play dates.

I have given up on gender neutrality. I don’t want violent toys in our house, but I am certainly not going to go against their basic interests and what they find fun. I am learning certain things about what it means to be male. Boys like things with wheels and anything that moves: rocket ships, airplanes, blimps, balls and scooters. Boys like mechanical things and they like to know how things work. Boys tend to have messier handwriting than girls. Boys don’t really care about clothes, as long as they are comfortable.

All of that said, I love my little boys (and my husband) and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I simply can’t relate to them all the time because I interact with the world so differently than they do. I was a very girly little girl and although I outgrew the pink princess dresses I still find that I am very much like my female friens and very different from men. And now, while I am on this wild ride of parenthood, I will be raising two children whose experiences and feelings will not be like mine are now or ever were. I won’t always be able to give them pearls of wisdom based on learning from my experiences. In the future, like now, I will be learning from them, and doing the best I can to help them navigate in their parallel, but different, world of the male.

The Holy Grail

I yearn for balance in my life. Not just since I’ve had kids; it’s been a lifelong quest for me. I’ve always been a little scattered, unable to focus on one activity or goal because there were 8 or 10 things that seemed equally interesting to pursue. At one stage of my life I might wake up and go for a run, then go to my copywriting job, head to my apartment for a quick meal and to pick up my supplies for my drawing class. After class I would crash and then do something similar the next day, except the next night I might meet up with some friends or take an African dance class. During this same phase in life I would also take yoga classes and volunteer for environmental organizations and I probably had a boyfriend. I would also try to squeeze in hiking, camping or biking trips and of course lots of time to socialize. Because I could never just pick one or two things to really pursue, I always felt like I half-did everything. I never did anything enough to really get good at it, but at least I guess I will never regret not having tried things. I certainly spent all my years before becoming a mother trying everything that I possibly could. One of the tortures of being a person like me is that often, when on the way to one activity, you think of the other acitivities you could be doing, and so I imagine my brain with little rays of energy coming out of it like a star–one directed at the activity I was actually doing and all the other rays pointing toward all the other things I could or should be doing: paying bills, painting, trying rock climbing, learning guitar, visiting art museums, making flight arrangements for Christmas, and laundry. I have always yearned for a calm, quiet mind. I tried meditation. But, for me, meditating became another thing on the to do list. There was no chance of me clearing my mind as I only put a small fraction of my energy into meditation, as I did with all my other activities. My Holy Grail was the quest for an ordered mind and an ability to focus and really put my energy into a few important pursuits and set goals.

Then I became a mother. Other than parenting, there really is no time for anything else, even if you arrange life with other activities in place. For instance, you might have job and be a parent. But, for most people, finding time for everything else is hard. You are forced to pare down and focus on what is really important. In addition to a job you can maybe choose some time alone with your spouse and occasionally squeeze in exercise. That’s it. If you want time with some friends, then that comes out of spouse time or time with the kids. If you want to pursue a hobby like gardening, it’s possible you can have your child or spouse with you, but with very young children that may mean you need to be satisfied with five minutes of gardening. Once I had a child I was forced to realize that I probably didn’t have much of a future in African dance or rock climbing. I realized that though there was little time for painting or drawing that I really did miss it and that was something I would make an effort to make time for one day. Before I knew it I had neat, ordered, prioritized lists of things that I wanted to do with my time. I knew that spending time with my family was number one, and making time for friends was a close runner-up. I knew I needed regular exercise, but anything would do: biking, running, a workout at the gym. I knew I needed a creative outlet, either design work or drawing or painting, and to this day I do not manage to squeeze in enough of that. I know I need to escape to nature and fortunately you can bring young children to the woods and they like it.

So now, when I get a break and some time to myself, it’s amazing how efficient I am. There is usually one thing that I work at finding time to do, and since I have so little time to do things for myself, when I get the opportunity I often dive in and don’t experience any scattered thoughts at all because there just isn’t time for them. I will think, ok, on Sunday I have two hours to paint window trim or go for a bike ride. Now I have a hard time understanding why I couldn’t do that in the past. Prior to kids I could do whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted. Other than going to work, or classes when I was in grad school, my time was mine. Of course, there is a lot to be said for the time I could spend relaxing back then: reading an entire newspaper, lying on the couch, going to movies. But I think that time seemed so infinite that I tried to fill it with too many different things.

Being a mother has taught me that time is not infinite. In fact, it seems to be flying along at an alarming rate. I fully realize that if I want to do something, I need to plan for it and figure out how to make it happen. I realize that I just don’t have enough time for activities or people that I don’t really enjoy, and there is no reason to try to squeeze them in. I am wondering, as my kids get a little older and spend more time in school and therefore I gain more time to myself, if I will be changed in a fundamental way. I suspect I will have an easier time focusing on projects and getting them done, and I think I will be better at setting short and long-term goals. It is a stretch to think I will attain my holy grail, but I look forward to taking a few linear steps forward, and see what it’s like.