A Diseased Society

I usually try to be an upbeat person, have a good open attitude and a generous spirit. Those are goals I aspire to. But, sometimes I am just tired and worn out and the very cynical and judgemental core of my nature sees an opening in the surface and comes bubbling up from the depths like lava from the earth’s center. It finds the channel through the volcano and comes frothing everywhere.

Although my more negative moods are often a result of fatigue, often an article or event will really set me off. Yesterday I read an article in the Wall Street Journal entitled, “Babysit? Maybe Next Time.” The article was generally about how grandparents these days often don’t want to babysit. Sometimes it’s because they are busy working, but often it’s because their leisure time is too much fun and they don’t want to cut into it to watch the grandkids. One elderly couple that was profiled has gotten involved in the sport of curling. So, even when the competitions would bring them near their offspring and grandchildren, the sport’s schedule made it difficult to visit, much less help out or babysit. The couple’s adult children were concerned about the grandparents priorities. Other elderly couples were mentioned who were happy to visit, but don’t do babysitting. Some were mentioned who would prefer to travel then visit or remain near their kids, and there were quotes in the article like, “we never even considered staying near the children.” The “experts” cited in the article said that the young couples need to revise their expectations of the grandparents, that they should have discussed what role grandma and grandpa wanted to play–occasional visitor or babysitter–and then they wouldn’t be disappointed. Although realistic expecatations are always important, why are the “experts” remaining neutral about something as bizarre as grandparents not feeling any real pull to be with and help their children and grandchildren? Am I the only person that finds this strange? What is wrong with people?

I don’t think grandma and grandpa should be enslaved watching their grandchildren or that they need to sign up for the role of nanny.  I think every couple should think about and plan for children and child care before having children. I think it’s wonderful if older people have active and fulfilling lives. I think that if a couple is hoping that grandma and grandpa will babysit, that they should move near the grandparents and not expect the grandparents to relocate. But, aren’t we missing something? Shouldn’t grandma and grandpa WANT to spend time with their grandchildren? Shouldn’t grandma and grandpa be aware of how difficult it is to raise young children and WANT to give their sons or daughters the occasional much-needed break? Don’t they think this benefits EVERYONE? Mom and dad get a break, grandma and grandpa get to form meaningful relationships with their grandchildren, and the grandchildren get to not only have loving relationships and influences from mom and dad but ALSO grandma and grandpa? As my mother puts it, she loves to spend time with my young sons, because they are building memories together. My kids benefit so much because my mom and dad are more adult role models for them, but they are different than my husband and me. They get different things from them. As grandparents, they dote more. Their values and interests are not exactly like my husband’s and mine, and it’s good for my kids to be exposed to them. And, my parents wouldn’t have the depth of relationship with my kids without babysitting them sometimes, because if my husband and I are present, our influences are stronger and our kids gravitate to us. Without us around, they can more fully develop relationships with grandma and grandpa. Everyone benefits from, and is enriched by this. Isn’t this a no-brainer?

My husband thinks it’s because these grandparents mentioned in the article are from the “me” generation, and they’re all still thinking about me, me, me. It’s sad to me that they are missing out on relationships with their grandkids, and depriving their grandchildren of meaningful, close, loving relationships with an older generation of family. How are any young people ever going to respect older ones if they don’t know any? And, with the breakdown of family, when will the cycle ever stop? Families already spend shockingly little time together. One couple in the article that wished grandma and grandpa would babysit had mom working “more than full time” and dad working “full-time and going to law school at night.” They have two young boys. When do they see each other? Don’t they know that they will never get this time back? That they will never have time together as a family if they don’t now? And, then with grandparents saying, “I won’t babysit, but I’ll pay for daycare,” who exactly are these children supposed to form relationships with? An ever-changing rotation of underpaid daycare providers? Don’t they realize how much better it would be if they occasionally babsit their grandkids? That grandma is often interchangeable with mom, in the eyes of the grandchildren, in her role as trusted nurturer who loves them unconditionally?  Isn’t this a sign of a diseased society if no one can even appreciate the most basic, fundamental thing in life which is creating, nurturing, protecting and enjoying family?

After I read the article I turned on the radio and caught the Tabbis Smiley (sp?) show on our local NRP station. He interviewed a woman who is part of an organization that is hosting a contest to help fight childhood obesity. The interviewer said, “I saw a bumber sticker the other day that read Eat Less Exercise More,”and he said, “doesn’t that say it all? She said that well, they’re trying to find a fresh, new approach to see what will get these kids moving. Fresh new approach to get kids moving? Something like kickboxing or jazzercize or pogo sticks? How can she think a gimmick will combat this problem? There is no magic bullet. The kids need to eat less and exercize more. They need to get off the couch and away from the TV and computer and out into the yard or the park and play. They need to stop snacking constantly and eating junk food and families need to eat meals together. Why don’t they give me the prize money? I can go on….people need to live somewhere they can actually WALK. People need to move out of suburban communities that don’t even have sidewalks and find a place where they can walk to a park, friends’ houses, a few shops and restaurants. And the restaurants need to serve less food. Americans have to get used to smaller portions. I simply cannot get over all the fat kids I see these days. It seems to me that MOST teenaged girls I see are about 20 lbs. overweight. They are also wearing too much makeup and not enough clothing, but now I’m showing my age. When I was a teenager we also wore ugly makeup and clothes, but most girls were normal weight, with just a few overweight kids sprinkled here and there. And overweight back then was maybe a bonus five or ten pounds.

No wonder so many people feel lost these days. It’s a crazy world. I mean, if grandparents can’t see why it’s normal and even desireable to help their kids a little and get to know their grandchildren, and if your average person can’t even figure out how to eat the right amount of food and stay healthy, why should we believe that any other aspects of our modern life are in balance? We are a culture of selfish, work and achievement-obsessed consumers that consume, consume, consume. We consume stuff, we can’t ever get enough. We consume food. What is that void everyone is trying to fill with all the overconsumption? Until we figure that out, we will continue to be a diseased society, one that seems to be getting sicker, not better, with time.

Thoughts On World Peace

It’s occurred to me, at various times, that we will never achieve world peace going about the way we are going about it now. Which is to say, the world leaders get together and discuss things, whatever they might be, and perhaps negotiatate and make deals. I don’t know what they say. Maybe G.W. Bush talks oil prices with the Saudis? Maybe he talks business and sports with everyone in general? Maybe all the crusty, corrupt, power-hungry and usually male world leaders try to barter or posture during their meetings. Who knows? We just see pictures of them shaking hands, and then they tell reporters what they want them to report. Then we, the U.S. and our allies, bomb someone if we want something to change. And then lives are ruined and innocent people die. The innocent people are the non-political and non-military people, and often children.

Then I start to think about micro-loans, the practice that is increasing in popularity of getting poverty-stricken people in devasted areas out of their plight. These loans are small loans made to WOMEN in impoverished areas. The women, from what I understand, start small businesses and do anything they can to help their children and improve their communities. From what I heard, lenders first started with the men in these areas, but then found that the men got drunk or squandered the money and never repaid it. The lenders got smart and lent it to the women instead. The women, hungry for opportunity and desperate to improve their lives and the lives of their children, started businesses and invested in their communities. They are so successful that the practice has caught on and expanded.

Why wouldn’t this work in other arenas? I have nothing against men, know and love many and am the mother to two boys, but there is something completely overlooked in regard to women. We are life givers. Yes, men have their part, but without women there would be no life. We carry the babies and nurture them with our bodies. Then we give birth and nurture the babies with our bodies. We love them and are usually the primary care givers. This is amazing. At a time when so many women seem to want to be men and pass those duties on to others, I think we really need to come back to realizing the importance of mothers. Mothers represent life, now and in the future. And, with all the differences among all the people in the world, motherhood is universal.

After the birth of my first son I felt a deep connection, not only to all other human mothers, but to all other mammalian mothers. Sitting their nursing for something like 8 hours a day, I felt connected to my neighbors, cats, cows and manatees. The love, the protectiveness, the vulnurability, that’s how we all feel. Mamma bear? She feels the same I think. Mother from Afghanistan, France, Uruguay and Zimbabwe? She feels the same. I must protect this baby, and hope for a better world to raise it in.

So, why don’t we have all these women meet? I truly think we should forget about having old men meet–men counting their money and their girlfriends and their deals and stroking their pride. Forget them. Get women, community leaders from all around the world, to figure out how to get along. To figure out how to overcome religious, political and cultural differences and figure out how to get along so that our children, the future of our planet, actually have a place to live in when they grow up. To guarantee that we will have grandchildren to bounce on our knees, grandchildren that have enought good food to eat, clean air to breathe and freedom to pursue fulfilling lives. Let’s try a new approach.

Just And Old-Fashioned Girl

It’s funny, the older I get the more I am finding that I am really quite a traditional kind of gal. It’s been a little strange to come to that realization after spending years trying to have an open-minded attitude about peoples’ differences and firmly believing that there is more than one “right” way to live life. And, ultimately, I am pretty open-minded about many things. Gay marriage? Sure, why not? You’ve got two adults that are in love and want to marry. I personally am far more disgusted by 80 year-old men marrying 20 year-old women or by a man marrying his 5th wife after leaving the first four for younger and prettier versions than I am by two similar aged-men wanting to marry. But really, none of these pairings are any of my business. As long as you are old enough to consent to marry, then go for it. And, I don’t care if people choose to live in a house, a trailer or a yurt. I don’t care if you’re catholic or agnostic and I don’t care if you listen to country music or punk. I still believe in live and let live.

However, I am apalled, and I do mean truly apalled, by some modern attitudes and values that many people seem to accept as perfectly fine and normal these days. I do disapprove of children born out of wedlock, to put it traditionally in a church-lady kind of way. Sure, it happens, and I can accept that and there is no reason to shun the child. But it’s horrifying to me how cavalier so many people are about it these days. It’s not at all unusual to hear about a new couple where both partners have children from previous relationships and they are having a child together. Nowhere is marriage mentioned, and with that, I’m not so sure that these couples necessarily even have a plan to stay together. It’s as though children are just walking, talking souvenirs from each relationship, and just become accessories as their parents move from relationship to relationship. How can people accept this? Why isn’t more outrage expressed over what these casual pairings really mean?

It’s hard enough when two people who love each other and commit to stay together make the decision to start a family. It’s hard to juggle work and family, it’s hard to manage the money. It’s challenging, but when a couple starts out commited to each other and committed to raising a family together, what they can offer their children is a secure home with two parents that love them and who are committed to be there for them. The children, as any parent can tell you, benefit from having more than one trusting and loving relationship with an adult. A mother and a father typically have different parenting styles, both of which benefit the child. Watch a child get hurt and call for mommy and later watch that same child call for daddy for some rough and tumble play. Watch mothers and fathers dole out different but complementary advice and discipline. It just seems natural to me that a child is more likely to feel secure if they have a web of loving relationships in their life that they can count on. Providing a mom and dad for a child from the start seems like the best way to start this web. If there are grandparents, aunts and uncles and close family friends around too, then that is a huge bonus. But starting with a two-parent family should be a no-brainer.

Why does this seem so hard, or strange for people? Why does it seem like just having a mom, and mom having a revolving door with a stream of men entering and exiting seem like a good idea? Why does a child never having met his dad seem okay? Or, why does it seem okay if you know you will have a child and his dad (or mom) will live 3 thousand miles away seem okay? Of course, I’m a realist. Divorce will happen (and sometimes it should). Deaths happen. Some children that start out in the world with two loving parents will lose one or both of them. Sometimes families do fall apart. But these should be the exception, not the norm. And I don’t think anyone should plan for this to be their life and family situation.

I want to point out that I am not a prude. I think adults should live life, date many people if they want to, party if they want to, try different jobs. I just think people should wait before having children. They shouldn’t date someone they think is cute and then have a baby and break up. I think they should date someone cute and use birth control. Then, when they have dated enough people and tried enough different things in life to know what they want so they feel they are ready to commit to one person and step out of the spotlight of their own life to let someone else take center stage–then, and only then should they say, “we are ready to start a family.” Then the adults to should commit to each other to stay together and make their kids a priority. They can marry, or express their commitment in some other way. Then they can stop the birth control. I think this would solve a lot of problems.

That said, I am somewhat open to other arrangments. I have one friend who had a baby with her boyfriend when they were both 25, and then they decided not to stay together. They did, however, decide that their son was their top priority. They made an unusual commitment to each other then–they decided they would live within a few blocks of each other and raise the boy together. Their son lives with her a week, then with dad. They have even taken “family” vacations together where mom and dad, though not a couple, bring the boy on a trip. It’s different, but it works. They now have a happy, well-adjusted and well-loved 13 year-old son.

What saddens me so much is how selfish these casual pairings can be. If a child is brought in to the world without much thought and without two people committed to loving it, how can anyone think that it will improve from that point? If mommy or daddy didn’t love baby and want to stick around, why on earth would the new boyfriend or girlfriend who isn’t the father or mother? The special bond parents feel for their children isn’t easily re-created. Sure, many people adopt children and love them like their own. But that is so very, very different. In those cases you are still looking at a couple who is committed to each other and ready to start a family. Then that couple goes on the journey of the adoption process until they are united with their child. The child is still a product of the couple’s love, committment and desire to have a family, just like a birth child. That is very different than bringing a child in to a relationship that is a product of a previous relationship. I know that it can work out well sometimes, but I don’t think the odds are very good.

Interestingly, although the divorce rate seems to be hovering around 50%, almost everyone I know that is married is still married and they are first marriages. I only have one friend in a second marriage (there were no children from the first marriage) and one divorced friend. I just know one person that had a child that wasn’t married. So, my peer group does not match national statistics. Interestinly too is that this peer group consists of educated, east and west-coast liberals, the exact group the religious right promoting “family values” is constantly railing against! Go figure. Maybe some of them should come observe us and take notes and see what people with real traditional values are really like.