It recently occurred to me that despite how horrified I am by the phenomenon of helicopter parenting, in this day and age parents have no choice but to hover around their children. I cringe when I hear about parents complaining to college professors about a grade their child received and about parents negotiating the salaries of their college-graduate children. Parents have clearly, to me, become completely over-involved in their kids’ lives for these types of things to be happening. But I also think about how kids are not free to play outside on their own anymore. It’s not “safe.” Even if a parent believes in the free-range philosophy, there are no other free-range kids around to play with. And frankly, even if free-range is an appealing concept, one look at a web page of sexual predators in your neighborhood will change your mind.
So, that leaves parents with few options. Enroll your children in everything to fill their days, sit them in front of a video game or tv, or cart them to the park so they can run as though they are free range, even though you are there chatting with other parents and trying to half-ignore the kids. But they’re not really ignored, so when they wander too far or make someone cry or start picking the flowers in someone else’s garden, you yell at them to stop.
Now I volunteer in Jasper’s 1st-grade class in school. I stuff folders and get to watch the dynamics, which I enjoy. For the past eight weeks or so, after saying I’d “help” with a math enrichment club, I have also found myself struggling to make a group of 14 or so 1st-graders play math games and take quizzes. This I do not enjoy. I am there with three other mothers and none of the kids, as far as I can tell, want to be there.
Hugo, who is four, is home with me except for the three mornings a week when he attends preK. We grocery shop and do projects together. We have his friends to our house or meet with other kids and moms at the open gym or a park. I am with my kids all the time and I do feel like a helicopter.
The plus side is huge. I like being home with my kids and am happy that I can be. I went from being someone who never spent any time with kids at all to being someone who has seen almost every different way a child can experience ages 0-7 and all the behaviors, personality differences and developmental stages that come along with it. I do believe this has helped me be a much better parent, because I am constantly learning from people who I think are amazing parents and I also get to figure out, through observation, what I don’t think works in parenting. Through observing my kids in different environments I have also been able to address needs and issues that I might have missed otherwise.
The down side of this “helicopter” life though, is that maybe I see too much. I get to share in all of my kids’ successes and happy moments, but I also observe all of their frustrations and struggles. Whenever I see a problem (whether real or perceived) I jump into action. As a result we’ve had impromptu tutorials on self-defense, snappy comebacks and conversation openers, discussions about feelings and motivations, book-searches on new subjects of interest, and the list goes on. It’s great, but it’s also exhausting. And I could be doing more. For instance, I haven’t volunteered once in Hugo’s preK this year (I pay good money for the seven hours a week he’s there) and do need a break, after all. And I wonder, is it all too much?
Back when kids went outside to play, knocked on doors to find playmates and returned home at the sound of a dinner bell, they had to rely on themselves much more. They fought more of their own battles, but they also suffered more silently too. I don’t know if it was better, but I do know that everyone I knew accepted the grades they earned in college and suffered the consequences of negotiating their first salary badly.
I wonder when, with all these hovering parents, at what point kids do become self-reliant? Jasper mentioned three fifth-grade boys with admiration today, “mom, they walked home from school without parents!” We are talking about three 10-year old boys walking three blocks without adult supervision. I was out playing on my own all the time when I was five!
One thing is sure, I want my kids to go off to college and then to whatever awaits them after that with an ability to look after themselves. I guess today’s parents’ job is to teach kids these skills while standing right next to them.
December 10, 2008 at 8:13 pm |
i think this is a really big quesiton.
we’ve lost a lot in not being able to give kids a lot of independence. problem is, you don’t realize any of this until you have kids. and then, bam!, you have kids, the clock is ticking, and what are you going to do about it?
i think a lot about co-housing, which is a concept that you and jim introduced me to. i feel that that would put a lot of “passive eyes and ears” around unsupervised kids that would allow for both kid independence and kid safety.
but alas, we aren’t in co-housing and are kids are growing up quickly.
this is really too bad, but i don’t know what to do about it. i think that being courageous in letting your kids go is maybe the only (inadequate) thing to do.
December 11, 2008 at 2:06 am |
JIm pointed out that maybe being around isn’t so much the problem, it’s when parents interfere and don’t let the kids work things out for themselves that there’s a problem. But, sometimes, I just feel over-involved. I don’t want to be so visible and see so much (whether or not I choose to intervene).
December 13, 2008 at 4:48 pm |
Good post. My mom used to say that our job as parents is to raise independent kids – from age five that’s the most important thing we can teach our children is how to become self-reliant. The hard part is how to provide structure, boundaries, and support in the right way — caring without taking care of everything. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe just because I learned something one way that always makes it the best way. But I think my mom was on to something –
December 13, 2008 at 5:58 pm |
I agree–after all, once they leave home they need to know what to do. Thanks for reading!
December 15, 2008 at 4:44 pm |
A woman I met the other day was talking about her grown children and commented that our only job as parents to make sure our kids leave the house – if they don’t ever leave we’ve done something wrong. That was the first thing I thought of when I read your post. But walking the fine line is tough, especially now a days.
I freak out every time I go over to my sisters. All the neighborhood kids play in the streets – like the good old days. But I can’t help but supervise or keep my kids from going out there. My biggest worry is that we live on a busy street and that my kids might think it is ok to play out there. But I can’t help but love the freedom my sisters kids have and the “neighborhood” watch they have for all of the kids on the street. I don’t know…where to begin and where to end.
December 15, 2008 at 7:19 pm |
I think a lot about this issue, as a mom and as a 2nd grade teacher. As a teacher I see kids that have no idea how to play when they are faced with “free time” or an indoor recess. Their lives are so structured and the have so few independent choices that they are at a loss with a whole classroom of materials and peers to play with. As a parent, I also live on a busy street in a neighborhood where I wouldn’t want my kids roaming around unsupervised. I worry that my quest to buy my childhood home from my father is really an attempt to buy my childhood for my kids. A great neighborhood to play in, a quick walk to the schools, so many outside unstructured adventures. My dad called the other day to say a registered sex offender had moved in one street over. So even if I did buy the house, would my kids get the experience I remember?
December 24, 2008 at 2:15 pm |
Hi Christine,
I’ve discussed this issue with my grandmother friends and we mostly agree that kids of this generation are missing something. Quite a dilemma. Freedom to explore or possibly risking safety. I don’t know if there are more sexual predators today than in the past or if we are just more aware of them. I completely sympathize with you as being a helicopter mom (love the term) must be exhausting. But you do have the benefit of being with your children and sharing many of their experiences. As some of the other responders mentioned, some communities have an unofficial neighborhood watch. When I was a child growing up in Brooklyn , I resented all those probing eyes. In the summertime, the old men and women sitting on the sidewalk in their folding chairs commenting on your clothes, your boyfriend or lack of a boyfriend, etc. In retrospect I guess the “nosy neighbors” did offer some degree of safety. I don’t know if that type of community still exists. I do agree that one of the most important jobs a parent has is to raise independent children.
Love, Mom