And To the Right You Will Find the Orgy Room

I had one of those rough playground moments recently with another parent. The dad I was talking to mentioned that he’d caved and was purchasing a Wii for his son for his 7^th birthday. They’d planned to wait until he was eight, but decided they just couldn’t because this boy was the last in his circle of friends to get a Wii. Apparently all the play dates with his friends were disintegrating into brawls because his son wasn’t familiar with the games and so the other boys would snatch the controls from his hands out of frustration. So, now he will have his Wii and everything will be fine, or so this dad thinks. He didn’t seem to notice the color draining from my face. I mean, I have a 7-year old boy, and we don’t have a Wii. Since how I feel, as my husband puts it, “can blow with the wind,” I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just thought to myself, “my God, should we get a Wii?” I moved across the playground and found a good friend who does not blow with the wind like I do and recounted the conversation. She, very astutely, stated that that could happen with anything, even a game of Monopoly. Not every kid will have the same games, so that’s what’s nice about playing at someone else’s house, you get to play with different things. And my friend made another good point that if these play dates are deteriorating so badly, why aren’t the parents stepping in to say that if they can’t take turns, help their friends learn and play fairly that the Wii will get taken away? Good points I thought. Whew, I felt better.

I’ve heard other parents tell stories about how they started buying all kinds of video games, bigger TVs, etc. because otherwise no kids would come to their house to play. It all makes sense, sort of. But although I want lots of kids to feel welcome in my house, I don’t want a bunch of kids sitting around staring at a video screen, I just don’t. We live in a mild climate and can go outside almost year-round. Our town is filled with parks. The kids sit in school all day. After school, as far as I’m concerned, is time for running around in the fresh air until it’s time to go home and do homework, eat dinner and read before bed. I put in a video for the kids sometimes while I make dinner. I don’t have anything against video watching, really, we just don’t have much time allotted to do it. When the kids have friends over to play that is decidedly NOT a video-watching time because, well, they have friends to play with! And they do play, I’m always impressed by the creativity. So, I think, why spoil it?

And, I think, do I want my friends coming to my house because they like my STUFF or because they like ME? I choose my friends carefully over time, so, generally when someone comes over we’re pretty happy sitting down with tea or wine and having a chat. But what if I went to the same lengths some parents seem willing to go to with their kids to attract friends? What would I do to make my house “cool” so people would accept me and want to come over? Would people like me more if I greeted them at the door and said, “we have an open bar, please help yourself, we have nothing but top shelf liquor. In this room you’ll find a theater with the latest movies playing and down the hall is our indoor pool and hot tub.” What if these measures didn’t work? What if that wasn’t enough? What lengths would I go to to make people want to come over? “Oh yes, please come in! To the left you’ll find the sushi bar and to the right you will find the orgy room. You can have sex with whomever you wish.”

I have nothing against Wiis (and I think an indoor pool would be great). But they are expensive, and money like that spent on entertainment is an investment in my household. Our kids so far have not seemed interested in having one, but I’d hate to think that their chances for friendship and social acceptance in the community are compromised because we don’t have the right “stuff.” I don’t admire a keeping up with the Joneses mind-set, and in fact have never cared much for what the Joneses are doing. However, when cast in the light of possibly having one’s child ostracized, my foundation of values starts to feel a little crumbly (remember I blow in the wind)?

For now, failing play dates seems to be a problem for the son of the man on the playground, not mine. And whether or not the Wii will fix things, I don’t know, but I will guess that before too long the kids will grow tired of the Wii and all those parents will need to run out and get the next, better entertainment system. And I guess they will. Maybe my kids will stick with the “fresh air and lego kids” or maybe they will pester us mercilessly one day for some kind of trendy and expensive toy and we will decide to get them one because it seems like the right solution at the time. But I do dread that day if it comes.

I’m Done With Happy

A popular refrain we hear often is, “I just want my kids to be happy.” This sentiment is so commonplace most of us don’t question it anymore. We have all heard more than enough about how parenting these days is too focused on pumping up our kids’ self-esteem so they feel so great about themselves all the time that they never know any emotion other than happy. And so our children are flooded with meaningless awards and praise. They grow up to the steady mantra of “good job,” or “nice work,” or “gosh, you’re smart!” It seems that all kids have to do is show up for an activity and they are handed a medal. My observations are not on par with scientific study, but I don’t think my kids are one bit happier having acquired those trinkets than they would have been without them. My 7-year old has been aware of how devoid they are of meaning for some time, “oh, everyone gets one of those.” Imagine how Oscar night would seem if everyone went home with the coveted statue?

I think, that on the whole, I would consider myself happy. But, at any given moment on any given day I may feel: frustrated, tired, content, stressed, irritable, silly, extremely happy, sad, calm, worried, blessed, and I’m sure there are a few other emotions I’m missing in there. The emotions are often a response to what’s happening such as discovering a leaking roof, spending time with great friends, hearing sad news about friends or family, looking at old photos, finishing a project, running late to pick up a kid from school, being handed a home-made card, and the list goes on and on and on. And I think, that’s normal, right? A RANGE of emotions is a normal part of the human experience. Whether or not one can say they’re happy at the end of the day is a result of how they respond to and deal with any of the infinite things that come up in daily life. Once basic needs are met I think some fundamentals of happiness are having the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships, an ability to bounce back from disappointments and solve problems, an ability to find joy in small things, an ability to make good decisions, and setting and meeting goals. I don’t actually think a drawer full of medals and a lifetime of hearing false praise will contribute to happiness.

And so, I’m done with happy. I really, really hope my kids will grow into content, positive people who will be very familiar with the happy emotion during their lives. But I don’t think shielding them from negative experiences and flooding them with praise will help. After all, picnics do get rained out. And what I really want are polite, resilient kids who understand the importance of kindness. I hope they develop healthy ways to handle disappointments, and I do hope things often go their way. But what I really need is for them to pitch in and do chores, and I don’t much care if that makes them “happy” or not. On a day-to-day basis they need to know that some things have to happen before you can do the thing you want to do. Some days are exciting and fun, but some are dull. You get some things you want, but don’t get others. Some people are nice, and some are mean. The world is, at many times and places, a very bad place. Bad and unexpected things happen, and injustice is everywhere. It can be beautiful too, but we have to take the whole package.

One of the truly happiest moments I had recently was when we had a gorgeous break in our cold, rainy, spring weather. It was sunny and warm and the Dogwoods and Azaleas were in full bloom everywhere. Bunnies were hopping around (really). I had a break and went for a run. It felt so good to be out running on such an incredibly beautiful day. My heart truly felt light and the air smelled great. It was a wonderful moment. I realized that that moment could have been enjoyed by anyone who had the good fortune to go out just then, as long as they were willing to focus on the here and now for just a few minutes. That’s what a I want for my kids—that no matter what happens during their lives, no matter what kinds of ups and downs and successes and failures they experience, that they can find peaceful moments of true elation and well-being that have nothing to do with external praise.