A New Decade

I’ve been writing less lately, perhaps because many of the observations I make lately I think, oh, I’ve written about that before. After 8+ years of parenting small kids, and now that we’re in a relatively “easy” period, there just isn’t that much that grabs me to write about. However, although my parenting journey is in a quiet place at the moment, my head isn’t. I’m realizing that I am on the threshold of huge transition in parenting and in my life.

I turned 40 this year, and having reached this milestone I can look back with clarity and see that each decade of my adult life has been markedly different from the last, and that the next one is setting itself up to be very different again.

Without question, my twenties were a time for personal exploration, adventure and growth. I finished college and tried several different career paths, none of them a good fit. Interspersed with these not-quite-right jobs was a lot of travel. Budget, shoe-string travel of course, thanks to the low-paying jobs, but after some quick math I discovered that I spent nearly two years of that decade out of the country. By contrast, I only spent seven weeks of my thirties outside of the United States. I lived like a pauper during the decade of my twenties using milk crates and hand-me-down futons for furniture, wearing second-hand clothing, and not owning a car. I also experimented with everything from sky diving to African dance classes and in trying to figure out who I was did all sorts of contradictory things like smoke cigarettes while enjoying the late-night bar scene AND work out regularly while making sure I had enough whole grains and calcium in my diet. But, by the end of my twenties and all that experimenting I had met my future husband, started graduate school and felt a little more settled.

My thirties, without a doubt, have been about raising young children and family life.  Our first baby was born when I was 32, about a year after I finished grad school. During the decade we bought and renovated three houses (I would not recommend this) and sold two of them. That wasn’t really a plan, just what ended up happening. I cooked more meals at home than I had during my entire life up to that point, and life has become much more complicated. I traded in my old milk crates for real furniture, took on mortgage and car payments, and sunk roots in a town and community. Although I’ve done some freelance work, this decade was definitely NOT about my career.

And now, with my youngest child going off to full day kindergarten next September, I am on the brink of a new phase. The phase of having kids, not babies, at home. What will my forties be about? Soon I will have something that I have not had in more than eight years: time.  Subtracting commute time, having both kids in school  all day will leave me with 30 hours per week to organize as I see fit. The changes have been creeping in—my life is not centered around play dates and kid swaps any more. I’ve been adding more freelance work and volunteer projects to my schedule. So, with all this FREEDOM ahead of me, I should be thrilled, right?

I’m excited, yes, but part of the reason for that raised pulse rate is that I am practically paralyzed with fear. I mean, the idea of entering into a phase where I can actually focus on myself without all the distractions I had in my twenties is great. I don’t have to worry about the dating scene or what my career direction will be—all that at least I’ve got set up. But now I’m afraid that it all won’t work out. What if I don’t get good design jobs, or enough work? What if it’s too lonely working from home? What if, if it is too lonely, I can’t get a job in an actual office? Will I really, for once, take the time to do the things that are important to me like painting and volunteer work? Will I be able to stay focused?

These questions won’t be answered for some time and the transition will take a while. I will miss having kids at home even while enjoying the peace and quiet. I will probably experience euphoric moments of enjoying freedom and accomplishing things alternating with low moments feeling like I will never be the person I want to be. I will probably find that those six hours every day while the kids are in school go very quickly (everyone tells me this is true) and I’ll probably realize that all the grocery shopping, cooking, schedule arranging and other household management duties are really very time-consuming. I will probably increase my expectations in every area from personal fitness to what I cook for dinner, so that everything I do will take more time. But, as my friend Sandy instructed me, I will really need to take some time to breathe and appreciate this new phase and not be too hard on myself.

And, hopefully, I will face this phase with some grace and maturity. On top of other changes I have noticed more wrinkles and gray hair as I face this new decade than I did when I faced the last. Doesn’t maturity come with those gray hairs? And also, instead of buying Elle or Vogue magazine today as an indulgence I bought copy of More (for women over 40) because the article about empty nesters seemed more interesting to me than an article on Fergie, “On Fame, Josh, and Being Super Sexy.” That must make me mature, right?

In any case, once again I step into the unknown, as we all must do from time to time.  I am going to try to embrace the change, enjoy some more time, and feel optimistic about the future. But now I must go, my five-year old keeps climbing out of bed because he’s “not tired.” And, although change is coming, I’m obviously not quite there yet.

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